Intimidation

Wow! It has been a long time since I posted! I have had some pretty major family issues to deal with and at the same time got a major time consuming calling in my ward. I am finally starting to feel like I am not drowning and figured it was well past time for a new post.

Over the last few weeks I have had a couple of guys make some kind-of remark about how I would never go for someone like them - when in all actuality, I have been wishing they would just ask me out already! I've never thought of myself as an intimidating person, in fact, I think my lack of self-confidence is one thing that has been hurting me in the dating world. But, on a surface level, I can see how people might think that. I have a career with a good paying job, I have a Master's degree, I own my home, and I have a very visible calling in my ward. On the surface that could seem intimidating, but some of these guys also have careers, law degrees, homes, etc.

I think, the intimidation factor is compounded by my inability to let people see the real me. I hate making mistakes in front of people, I avoid things I know I am not good at because I don't want people to see my weaknesses. I keep a tight reign on my emotions - no one sees me angry, excited, and especially sad.

The problem is, that I'm not sure how to change it is so much a part of who I am now. I want to be more open and honest and real around people, but I don't really know where to start, any suggestions?

Jeopardy

Cue the Jeopardy music.

Answer: Can I play you a song on my saw?

Question: What not to say to a girl who has just met you and is stuck in a car with you.

In my on-going efforts to find Mr. Right, I am bound to meet some Mr. Wrongs, I get that - but I never thought I would be slightly afraid for my life at an institute activity! Unfortunately such was the case last night. The institute had an activity this weekend where they created groups to meet somewhere for dinner. You get to meet new people in a smaller group setting - what could be wrong with that?

Apparently, lots.

What I didn't realize was that it was Prom, a Jazz Game, Young Women's conference, and the Ballet - all on the same night downtown, so I ended up parking about two blocks away from the restaurant. (Lesson learned #1 - take advantage of valet parking)

After dinner one of the guys from our group volunteered to walk me to my car, which I thought was incredibly thoughtful and nice, and I gratefully accepted. Then we decided since he was parked nearby he would just drive me over to my car. (Lesson learned #2 - don't get in the car with someone you just met - even if it was at an institute activity)

During our dinner conversation this guy had mentioned that he played the saw - but I thought he was joking. Imagine my surprise when he brought up the subject again as we were driving to my car! Only this time - it was to introduce me to his saw - which he had wrapped up in some kind-of case and was sitting between us on the front seat! Yes, he has named his saw. I was slightly freaked out and incredibly relieved to see the Ballet just getting out and lots of people and cops on the streets nearby. Especially when he made the following statement,

"She makes really pretty music when I stroke her"

WHAT!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Apparently not, because he proceeded to ask me if he could play something for me on it. (Lesson learned #3 - never accept a ride from someone who considers a sharp object a musical instrument)

I have never been so grateful to see my car, I jumped out of his car and jumped into mine and locked the doors - unfortunately said "sawyer" (apparently that is a real term) has my phone number because I was in charge of the group. Don't get me wrong - I am sure a playing the saw is a perfectly legitimate talent, but for me, I am not answering any calls from unknown numbers from now on!

When We're Helping We're Happy

I had an interesting conversation with my boss the other day. We were heading back to the office after a property inspection and got stuck in traffic. After discussing the economy and the problems of the world in general, I remarked that it is sometimes incredibly scary to me to think of trying to raise children in this world. His response to that was very surprising, and has really changed the way I look at my time as a single person. The general idea of his response was that there is SO much to do in this world, so many children who have no one to care for them, teenagers who need positive role models, and so many other people who need a helping hand. And he is so wrapped up in his family and making sure his own children become productive and good members of society that at times he wished he were still single so that he could do more good for more people.

It seems to me like the number of singles is increasing. I think it is easy to get caught up in worrying about our marital status - and focus all our energies on finding our eternal companion. But maybe there is a purpose for our extended time as singles. I had never before thought that my time as a single could be a blessing to my community and to people around me. I participate in the service projects my ward arranges and help within my own family when I can, but I always thought real community service was for when I had a family and was a room mother or worked in the PTA etc. But think of the huge force for good the single members of the Church could be if they would focus more of their energies on building their communities and less on trying to control the uncontrollable. How much more meaning and joy would I have in my life if I spent more time guiding and nurturing and caring for the people around me and less time worrying about another Friday night home alone.

"C" is for Cookie

I had an epiphany of sorts a few weeks ago. My mom invited me to go to an enrichment activity at her ward where they had asked everyone to bring some cookies for refreshments. My mom is a school teacher and didn't have the time or the energy to make cookies for the event, but she did have a tub of cookie dough she bought for a school fundraiser - so my sister threw some of that in the oven so we had something to take with us. After the speaker, we all went into the cultural hall for cookies. It was quite the sight - two big tables full of different kinds of cookies. Heart cookies, bar cookies, chocolate chip cookies, cookies with frosting and sprinkles, cookies with gummi hearts (this was just before Valentines), even some brownies and little mini-cakes. SO many choices - I could have easily gained 50 pounds that night. And there sat my mom's cookies - gingersnaps - no frosting, no sprinkles, no decorations, no fillings, just some plain brown cookies. And no one was taking them. After half an hour of weight gain and socializing, that plate of cookies remained untouched. I didn't even take one of them to begin with because there were so many other good options. When it was time to leave, I retrieved the plate and tried one of the cookies. They were actually really good. Better than some of the fancy cookies I had tried.

As we were leaving it occurred to me how similar it was to a singles ward and by extension the singles scene in general. In the past I have noticed there are certain girls who always seem to be dating someone - or numerous someones, and I will admit I have fallen into the trap of wondering why can't I get dates like they can - why do I go a year, and sometimes two between dates? There must be something wrong with me. But, at that enrichment night, the most important thing I learned was that I am like the plate of plain brown cookies - I am really good - there is nothing wrong with me, and I have a lot to offer. Sometimes it is just hard to see that amidst all the sprinkles and frosting and chocolate chips. None of the cookies are good or bad, right or wrong, better or worse, just different. And someday, someone who LOVES gingersnaps is going to come along. I can't wait.

The "It" Guy

The "It" Guy. That one guy that seems to be universally attractive to all the girls in the ward. Every ward has at least one, right? And every girl in the ward has fallen under his spell at some point or another - even girls who are visiting the ward are instantly attracted. What is it with these guys - why are they so stinkin' attractive, what is their secret? In the last few wards I have been in these guys seem to be older and more mature/have a career - is it their looks only, or is it the sense that this guy would be a good provider/husband/father? So if they are really that great - why hasn't someone snatched them up yet? I know the older I get the more I hate people wondering why I'm not married and if there is something wrong with me, but I seem to have a double standard in that area. If a guy is older and not married he must be waiting for Miss Perfect - which I am not - so I have no chance.

I have created the following chart showing what I see as the "it" guy's top 10 (what my roommate and I lovingly call "Molly Pockets" - the perfect blend, a "Molly Mormon" who is tiny enough to fit in your pocket) versus me.

Molly Pocket	Me
1. Skinny (to the point of being twig like)	1. Average - I would like to loose a few pounds, but I am not overweight or obese - although I am tall so even if I were twig like I would still look amazonian to some guys
2. Drop dead gorgeous	2. Average - I like some characteristics - but I am not going to stop anyone in the street
3. Fashionable	3. Average - I dress for comfort and have no fashion sense - not bad enough to be on "What Not to Wear" but also not wearing the latest fashion trend
4. Cutesy decorator - some kind-of innate ability to make "Live Laugh Learn" and "Families are Forever" wooden decorations look good in a home to give it that Molly Mormon Mommy feel	4. Average decorating abilities - I enjoy cute stuff, but I am also on a budget - I am not going to buy silly decorations that I have no use for
5. Spiritual Giant	5. I think I am okay in this category - although I am in no way a giant
6. Popular - can she socialize and hold her own at my company parties?	6. I am working on getting over my shyness and being more outgoing, but it is a work in progress
7. Dependent - needs me	7. I would love to have someone to need, but since I don't, I have a graduate degree and a home. I don't look very needy at the moment
8. Sporty - will enjoy my hobbies with me	8. I hit myself in the head when I play volleyball, and I ran over the ski instructor when I was taking ski lessons, need I say more
9. Desireable to others (ie - has experience in the dating world)	9. Okay, honestly this is probably the area I most fall short on - I have never dated anyone. Yes, I am pushing 30 and never been kissed. Where is Michael Vartan when you need him?
10. Nice to everyone - the kind-of girl everyone would love to hate but can't	10. I try - but pretty people intimidate me so I probably appear to be a snob because I don’t talk to most people

Don't get me wrong - this is not a bash on me post, or bash on the cute guys post, there are plenty of girls in my ward that fit that description - and I am not saying I am hideous. But I know that I am pleasantly average - not Molly Pocket perfect. But that doesn't stop me from developing a very unhealthy crush on the "it" guy, when I have no hope of it going anywhere. So, my question is, why am I attracted to these guys, and how can I find a nice non-it guy who is looking for a nice average girl like me that will help me get over the current "it" guy who barely knows my name?

Baby Mama

So, I watched Baby Mama last night. It was a cute movie, there were some laughs, and any movie with Greg Kinnear (who I think is absolutely adorable) gets bonus points in my book. But, I really didn't like the overall message the movie was trying to get across. For those of you who haven't seen the movie, it is about a 37 year old single career woman who suddenly gets hit with the biological time bomb and decides she needs/wants to have a baby. She is told she has a 1 in a million chance of getting pregnant, so she decides to hire a surrogate. Predictable hijinks and hilarity ensue.

My problem with the movie was the message it seemed to be sending about families and motherhood. That if you want a baby you should just scientifically create one, who needs a husband or a father. Any way you decide to have a family is right and good. I totally and completely 100% disagree.

Being a single woman in Utah, approaching 30 (that would be close to 40 in outside of Utah years) with most of my friends on their 3rd or 4th child, I have to say that I understand what the main character was going through. I have had to come to terms with the fact that maybe marriage and children isn't in the cards for me. Does that mean that I am doomed to live a less fulfilling life? That I am never going to find the happiness and fulfillment I could have as a mother? I used to think that - but I have learned that the Lord makes up the difference. I can be just as happy and fulfilled as a single childless woman, as I can married with children. It's a different kind-of happiness granted, but that in no way makes it less worthwhile. There are no second class citizens in the church and my worth is not based on how many children I have.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints published a document entitled, "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" which states,

"The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity."

Obviously there are circumstances where, due to death or divorce, children do not have the opportunity to be raised by a mother and a father, but if at all possible, it is best for children to have a mother and a father. Yet this movie seems to be preaching that fathers aren't necessary, and if a woman wants to feel fulfilled and experience the joy of motherhood, she should just go ahead and do it. Which appears to me to be an incredibly selfish way of thinking.

I know this is a sensitive subject, and I in no way want to pass judgment on anyone who might have made a different decision, but I strongly believe in the importance of family relationships and think that if at all possible, children should be in homes with a mother and a father.

Gratitude

In reading over some of my previous posts, I feel like there has been a really negative tone. This is not my intent. Although there are struggles and trials inherent in being a single LDS woman, there are also many blessings. I am a firm believer that you can be happy no matter what your social status, married, single, divorced. The Lord has given me so many blessings and opportunities that I would not have had otherwise and that have shaped me into being the person I am today, and I am grateful for that. So, in order to have a more positive post, I decided to post some of the blessings of being single.

1. Opportunity to serve a mission
2. Pursue a higher education, to date I have completed a Master's degree
3. Gain experience in my chosen career, which will open opportunities for working from home when the time comes
4. Self-confidence in myself and my abilities
5. Self-reliance
6. Empathy
7. Time spent with extended family members
8. Ability to save for and take trips to far off locations
9. Ability to create my own schedule and sleep in if I want
10. Learn how to be more social, meet new people
11. Time for institute classes, Temple worship, personal study
12. Sole control of the TV remote
13. Opportunities to pursue hobbies and interests
14. Ownership of my own home in which I can create my own personal safe haven
15. Disposable income
16. Spontaneous activities and trips
17. Sabbath nap time
18. Sunday dinners at the parents
19. Watch movies I want (no fights about chick flicks vs. action movies)
20. I think one of the most important things I have learned from being single is to do things for me. I used to think, oh I will experience that or purchase this or learn this skill when I am married, or when I have a family. I don't need to worry about that until I reach that point. But I am learning that I am just as important as my future husband and children, and I can and need to take care of myself and allow myself to be happy now, regardless of my married state. If I want to have a clean house, it is up to me. If I want to make/eat homemade bread weekly, I can. If I want to learn how to sew or decorate cakes or can and preserve food, I can do all of that now, simply because I want to, I don't have to have an excuse, I don't have to have a family to use these skills on, I can do it for myself because I am worth it. Which brings me to...
21. My worth is NOT dependent on my marital status, my Heavenly Father loves me, personally and individually and He has a perfect plan for me, whether or not that plan fits into my preconceived notions what I do with that plan will determine my success.
    

Being Single in a Relationship Centered World

There are times I have seriously considered moving away from Utah, if only to escape the pressure and questioning about my relationship status. But, I am learning to deal with it. And then, last week I realized that moving to a different state probably wouldn't help as much as I think it would. Apparently, even though marriage and family begins at a later age for some people, the whole world assumes that at some point in your life you are going to get married. I discovered this while setting up an online account . I had to pick three different security questions, some of my options were, first boyfriend, name of my maid of honor, name of the best man, and where did I meet my spouse. Is it cheating to put NA for each of those?