Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Choosing Faith over Fear

I have been thinking a lot about the fears that I have in my life that seem to be holding me back. Most of them are not fears of things or people, more fears about myself, and how others view me. I am always worried that if I start a conversation with someone, they are going to feel obligated to talk to me, and are searching for an excuse to leave the conversation. I worry that the men I find attractive find me completely unattractive. I worry that I am really incredibly boring and that I don't really have a personality. I worry that I spent so much time reading and daydreaming when I was younger, I wasn't really living. I worry that once someone sees the real me, they will get bored, or not like me, and move on. I worry that no matter what I do, or how hard I try, my life will be spent alone. I worry that people who befriend me are only doing so to be nice, and don't really want to spend time with me - and thus, I am always looking for people to disappoint me. I am embarrassed for perfect strangers who talk too long - or share too many personal details in church - because I'm sure people are thinking poorly of them. I was/am sometimes embarrassed to be seen with my family, because they aren't always the picture of perfection.

Am I happy about this character trait? No. Do I wish I could change it? Yes. Hence, my New Years Resolution to choose Faith over my Fears. I haven't quite figured out all the ways that I can do this yet, so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. But it is going to start with my Faith List - the things I am choosing to have faith in - and remind myself to have faith in when I have a bad day. I am sure as the year progresses and I work on this goal, I will be able to add things to my list, and hopefully I will be able to look back at the end of the year and see that I have conquered some of my worst fears.

My Faith List
  • Heavenly Father has a perfect plan for me.
  • Heavenly Father wants me to be happy.
  • People are not so self-sacrificing that they will spend time talking to me if they don't want to.
  • The kind-of person I am looking for, is looking for someone like me and will be attracted to me.
  • I am interesting and worth knowing.
  • I can let people get to know me.
  • People want to get to know me.
  • My family is amazing, and despite our imperfections, is a family worth knowing.
  • I don't have to apologize for anyone, including myself.
  • People are not trying to hurt or embarrass me.
  • Most people are not going to disappoint me.
  • I can do anything I want to do.
  • What I have done in the past does not determine what I can do in the future.