Personal Growth

I have been trying to have more confidence, so over the weekend I went to a social activity with the goal of actually talking to new people and getting out of my comfort zone. Of course I ended up in a situation that required a little more bravery than I was expecting. When I got there I discovered someone from my past that I feel very awkward around was also in attendance. I decided that I was going to put my new "bravery" skills to the test and treat him like anyone else, as if there was no awkward history between us. This was a difficult undertaking but I feel like I succeeded at least partially. At the time I felt pretty good about myself, but sitting here typing this post, and looking at this picture, I realize just how small and petty my act of bravery might look to someone else, and really, what little amount of bravery it actually required. There were no potentially harmful repercussions to my actions, death was not imminent, I was not going to end up in the hospital if anything went wrong, so why was I so scared? Maybe my new mantra needs to be - "It's not going to kill you!" Maybe then I would be able to report more instances of personal bravery.

School Time

Fall is my FAVORITE season. I love the cooler weather, the leaves changing color, and, crazy as it sounds I love going back to school. I loved having a fresh start - with so many opportunities to succeed. By the end of the year I was usually overwhelmed and stressed with homework and tests, but I still looked forward to the fresh start of a new year. I always seem to have more hope at the beginning of the school year. I used to go to every single class thinking - this will be the class that will have that someone special. It would take a couple of classes before I would admit, this class was exactly like all the rest, nothing had changed. I was still shy and unable to talk to guys. Speaking of guys - the one thing I have always wanted to experience in the fall is being in love. I have all these daydreams of dates involving fall hikes, driving in the mountains to see the leaves, bonfires, playing in the leaves, corn mazes, and most importantly, having someone to protect me when I get roped into going to the Haunted House. You never know, maybe this fall is the year!

I'll See You In My Dreams

My goal of getting up early to exercise once again flew out of the window. It is so hard to get up when you are having a dream about going on a date with a very nice looking guy who seems to be VERY interested in you. I seem to have perfected the art of waking up enough to hit snooze on my alarm, but not enough to interrupt my dream. I am able to quickly slip back into my dream world. But this latest dream made me wonder - you see, this dream it was my first date with this guy - and I was so stinking excited! He was totally into me, and vice versa. Now in real life, I have never been asked out by a guy that I was already interested in. So, is that crazy excited feeling as good in real life as it is in my dreams? And, will I EVER get a chance to find out?

PS - Okay so apparently I lied about not having any obsessions with movie/TV stars, but really, looking at this guy, who can blame me?

Obsessions

So, for the longest time I have thought that maybe there was something wrong with me because I didn't get obsessed or fanatical about things like others do. I have never had the urge to stay up to see a movie at the VERY FIRST midnight screening. Nor have I ever plastered my walls with pictures of my favorite movie/TV/music stars. And I have never screamed or cried or hyperventilated when I was in the presence of said movie/TV/music star. As I was thinking about this yesterday, I started thinking that maybe it isn't a bad thing. Maybe, just maybe, it shows that I am well-rounded, and have a healthy dose of "moderation in all things". And then I realized that I do have one very unhealthy obsession. I am a romance junky. Which, given my non-existent dating life, can be quite a problem. Give me a happily ever after chick flick any day, give me a TV show with some real romantic tension and I am hooked, give me a poorly written - no plot - sappy romance novel, and the world stops until I finish reading. I know how bad the books are, I know they are all the same, I know I get embarrassed even browsing the romance section at the library, I know the titles are ABSOLUTELY ridiculous, I know lots of times I have to skip over some sections that are rather too juicy for my taste, but I don't care - it's a love story with a happy ending - that's all I need. And, sadly, I have spent WAY too much of my free time, and not so free time, indulging in said obsession. But - I wonder if it is giving me an unhealthy view of relationships and happily ever after. I tell myself that it never happens that way in real life, but am I still expecting a knight in shining armor to sweep me off my feet? Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to not have any obsessions after all. Moderation here I come!

Day 1

Dear Blog -
How does one start an anonymous letter to the blog world? Especially when one has never been great at starting any writing assignment. When I was little I used to write stories and plays - my class even performed a Christmas play I wrote. But it seems that my writing abilities disappeared the older I got. I have always dreamed of writing a story that would capture the imagination, but I am too self-conscious to even let people hear my ideas. So, dear blog, you will tell the sometimes happy, sometimes sad, very often frustrating story of my life.

I was recently challenged to pay attention to my feelings and needs more throughout my week. The most surprising result of this experiment was not the feelings that I recognized, rather the lack thereof. Which made me wonder how I came to the point where I rarely experience a strong emotion. Was it all the times I would get excited about something, only to immediately tell myself not to get my hopes up? Or the times I would be hurt and frustrated by someone, but would push the feelings aside so as to avoid the dreaded confrontation? There have been times of strong emotion - the elation I felt when I got my dream job, the strange mix of emotions a mission brings - homesickness, frustration, love and joy all wrapped into one, the terror of purchasing a home (something I never thought I would be doing on my own). But the small every day emotions are harder for me to recognize and feel. Hopefully this blog will help me to figure out who I am and embrace it!