Choosing Faith over Fear

I have been thinking a lot about the fears that I have in my life that seem to be holding me back. Most of them are not fears of things or people, more fears about myself, and how others view me. I am always worried that if I start a conversation with someone, they are going to feel obligated to talk to me, and are searching for an excuse to leave the conversation. I worry that the men I find attractive find me completely unattractive. I worry that I am really incredibly boring and that I don't really have a personality. I worry that I spent so much time reading and daydreaming when I was younger, I wasn't really living. I worry that once someone sees the real me, they will get bored, or not like me, and move on. I worry that no matter what I do, or how hard I try, my life will be spent alone. I worry that people who befriend me are only doing so to be nice, and don't really want to spend time with me - and thus, I am always looking for people to disappoint me. I am embarrassed for perfect strangers who talk too long - or share too many personal details in church - because I'm sure people are thinking poorly of them. I was/am sometimes embarrassed to be seen with my family, because they aren't always the picture of perfection.

Am I happy about this character trait? No. Do I wish I could change it? Yes. Hence, my New Years Resolution to choose Faith over my Fears. I haven't quite figured out all the ways that I can do this yet, so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. But it is going to start with my Faith List - the things I am choosing to have faith in - and remind myself to have faith in when I have a bad day. I am sure as the year progresses and I work on this goal, I will be able to add things to my list, and hopefully I will be able to look back at the end of the year and see that I have conquered some of my worst fears.

My Faith List

• Heavenly Father has a perfect plan for me.
• Heavenly Father wants me to be happy.
• People are not so self-sacrificing that they will spend time talking to me if they don't want to.
• The kind-of person I am looking for, is looking for someone like me and will be attracted to me.
• I am interesting and worth knowing.
• I can let people get to know me.
• People want to get to know me.
• My family is amazing, and despite our imperfections, is a family worth knowing.
• I don't have to apologize for anyone, including myself.
• People are not trying to hurt or embarrass me.
• Most people are not going to disappoint me.
• I can do anything I want to do.
• What I have done in the past does not determine what I can do in the future.
  

Proposition 8

I agree with and support California's Proposition 8. To understand why, please read "Disagree but Don't Be Unkind" by Orson Scott Card.

Only in Utah

So, I have decided that stress of having spiritual responsibility for over 200 young single adults might have finally become too much. Yesterday our dear Bishop - who I love and support and sustain - introduced his newest program designed to get all of the members of his ward married off. I won't reveal the actual name of his new program here - since it includes the names of several of the "older" young single adult men in my ward that he is most worried about. For the purposes of this blog - I will name it - Boyfriend for a Week. Yes, that is right - our Bishop wants the sisters to "take pity on the mothers of these poor menaces to society" and sign up to be their girlfriend for a week - in the hopes that it will teach the men how to commit - for one week at a time. Also, I think, in the hopes that they can set some people up, that they think would be perfect for each other, and force them to spend more time together than the obligatory blind date. I haven't decided if I am going to volunteer for this service project yet. If it weren't happening to me, I might think this was the plot for The Singles Ward III.

This is my first actual "singles ward" experience - all of my other wards were "student wards", which are vastly different - so my question is, are other wards like this? Do you have similar "challenges" from your Bishop? What is the craziest scheme you have heard of to get all the poor "menaces to society" married off?

Is Opportunity Knocking?

I have been challenged to join the thousands of singles looking for love on the internet by numerous people, but I have always put them off. I have always seen the internet as a really bad way to meet people, and just another way to be rejected. It seems really scary to post a picture for all to see and judge if you are cute enough to talk to. Wouldn't it be better to be pen pals with someone - sight unseen and fall in love with who they are - like in Shop Around the Corner and In the Good Old Summertime? I know it is cheesy and romantic fantasy - I've already admitted I am a hopeless romantic.

I know it can work, I have had more than one friend find love online - I'm just not sure it is for me. Call me old fashioned, but I would love to meet someone without the means of technology.

Personal Growth

I have been trying to have more confidence, so over the weekend I went to a social activity with the goal of actually talking to new people and getting out of my comfort zone. Of course I ended up in a situation that required a little more bravery than I was expecting. When I got there I discovered someone from my past that I feel very awkward around was also in attendance. I decided that I was going to put my new "bravery" skills to the test and treat him like anyone else, as if there was no awkward history between us. This was a difficult undertaking but I feel like I succeeded at least partially. At the time I felt pretty good about myself, but sitting here typing this post, and looking at this picture, I realize just how small and petty my act of bravery might look to someone else, and really, what little amount of bravery it actually required. There were no potentially harmful repercussions to my actions, death was not imminent, I was not going to end up in the hospital if anything went wrong, so why was I so scared? Maybe my new mantra needs to be - "It's not going to kill you!" Maybe then I would be able to report more instances of personal bravery.

School Time

Fall is my FAVORITE season. I love the cooler weather, the leaves changing color, and, crazy as it sounds I love going back to school. I loved having a fresh start - with so many opportunities to succeed. By the end of the year I was usually overwhelmed and stressed with homework and tests, but I still looked forward to the fresh start of a new year. I always seem to have more hope at the beginning of the school year. I used to go to every single class thinking - this will be the class that will have that someone special. It would take a couple of classes before I would admit, this class was exactly like all the rest, nothing had changed. I was still shy and unable to talk to guys. Speaking of guys - the one thing I have always wanted to experience in the fall is being in love. I have all these daydreams of dates involving fall hikes, driving in the mountains to see the leaves, bonfires, playing in the leaves, corn mazes, and most importantly, having someone to protect me when I get roped into going to the Haunted House. You never know, maybe this fall is the year!

I'll See You In My Dreams

My goal of getting up early to exercise once again flew out of the window. It is so hard to get up when you are having a dream about going on a date with a very nice looking guy who seems to be VERY interested in you. I seem to have perfected the art of waking up enough to hit snooze on my alarm, but not enough to interrupt my dream. I am able to quickly slip back into my dream world. But this latest dream made me wonder - you see, this dream it was my first date with this guy - and I was so stinking excited! He was totally into me, and vice versa. Now in real life, I have never been asked out by a guy that I was already interested in. So, is that crazy excited feeling as good in real life as it is in my dreams? And, will I EVER get a chance to find out?

PS - Okay so apparently I lied about not having any obsessions with movie/TV stars, but really, looking at this guy, who can blame me?

Obsessions

So, for the longest time I have thought that maybe there was something wrong with me because I didn't get obsessed or fanatical about things like others do. I have never had the urge to stay up to see a movie at the VERY FIRST midnight screening. Nor have I ever plastered my walls with pictures of my favorite movie/TV/music stars. And I have never screamed or cried or hyperventilated when I was in the presence of said movie/TV/music star. As I was thinking about this yesterday, I started thinking that maybe it isn't a bad thing. Maybe, just maybe, it shows that I am well-rounded, and have a healthy dose of "moderation in all things". And then I realized that I do have one very unhealthy obsession. I am a romance junky. Which, given my non-existent dating life, can be quite a problem. Give me a happily ever after chick flick any day, give me a TV show with some real romantic tension and I am hooked, give me a poorly written - no plot - sappy romance novel, and the world stops until I finish reading. I know how bad the books are, I know they are all the same, I know I get embarrassed even browsing the romance section at the library, I know the titles are ABSOLUTELY ridiculous, I know lots of times I have to skip over some sections that are rather too juicy for my taste, but I don't care - it's a love story with a happy ending - that's all I need. And, sadly, I have spent WAY too much of my free time, and not so free time, indulging in said obsession. But - I wonder if it is giving me an unhealthy view of relationships and happily ever after. I tell myself that it never happens that way in real life, but am I still expecting a knight in shining armor to sweep me off my feet? Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to not have any obsessions after all. Moderation here I come!

Day 1

Dear Blog -
How does one start an anonymous letter to the blog world? Especially when one has never been great at starting any writing assignment. When I was little I used to write stories and plays - my class even performed a Christmas play I wrote. But it seems that my writing abilities disappeared the older I got. I have always dreamed of writing a story that would capture the imagination, but I am too self-conscious to even let people hear my ideas. So, dear blog, you will tell the sometimes happy, sometimes sad, very often frustrating story of my life.

I was recently challenged to pay attention to my feelings and needs more throughout my week. The most surprising result of this experiment was not the feelings that I recognized, rather the lack thereof. Which made me wonder how I came to the point where I rarely experience a strong emotion. Was it all the times I would get excited about something, only to immediately tell myself not to get my hopes up? Or the times I would be hurt and frustrated by someone, but would push the feelings aside so as to avoid the dreaded confrontation? There have been times of strong emotion - the elation I felt when I got my dream job, the strange mix of emotions a mission brings - homesickness, frustration, love and joy all wrapped into one, the terror of purchasing a home (something I never thought I would be doing on my own). But the small every day emotions are harder for me to recognize and feel. Hopefully this blog will help me to figure out who I am and embrace it!