Dear Abby

Dear One Reader,
I am in a quandary. I was brave and kept my goal of going to singles activity. I was approached by a man who asked for my number. I have always felt that people can make a very bad first impression, but improve on acquaintance. So I have have a policy of giving a guy who was brave enough to ask for my number a chance. Just as my policy has always been to go out with someone at least once (unless I feel unsafe).

So, although I was not attracted to this man at all (I like men who are at least taller than my shoulders), I gave him my number. He seemed like a nice guy, I didn't feel like he was someone scary - and it was a ward activity, so, I figured what could be the harm. Well, since Saturday night when I gave him my number, he has called Saturday night, Sunday day, and Monday evening. He also sent texts Saturday night, Sunday day, Sunday evening, and Monday evening. Every time he called I was legitimately unavailable, I wasn't avoiding his call, so now I have had three voice mails, and four texts. At this point, despite my intention of giving the guy a chance, I am completely turned off.

So, here is my dilemma. I know how hard it is for guys to ask girls out, and I hate it when I hear guys won't ask girls out because they keep getting turned down. That is why I have the one date policy. But I really don't want to go out with this guy. It isn't an issue of safety. I have since talked to a mutual friend who vouched that he is harmless, if a little intense (obviously). I just don't want to encourage the daily phone calls and texts. When is it okay to break your rules and not give someone a chance? And how would you go about telling this guy to back off? Any guys out there have an opinion on the one date rule? Would you rather have someone tell you flat out she isn't interested - or would you want one date to hopefully make a better impression?

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Fearless

I won a book on Goodreads a couple of months ago that I finally started reading. It is called "My Year of Living Fearlessly" by Amber Karlins. It is a memoir based on Amber's goal of doing something that terrifies her each week for a year. I have only read the first 50 pages or so, but it I am really enjoying it. She has a good sense of humor and it has been fun reading about her experiences. It also has me thinking about my own life. Am I living life as fully as I could/should be or if I am letting my own fears hold me back - especially when it comes to dating and social activities?

Since I am in a family ward it is really easy to just stay home weekend after weekend, hang out with my single siblings, or hang out with old friends when I could be going to singles activities and trying to meet new people. So, I have decided to have my own Year of Living Fearlessly. I don't think I have the time or bravery to plan and do something new each week, but I can do at least one thing a month that I am afraid of.

Some of the ideas/plans that I have include:

• Sign up for and really give online dating a real chance. I have created profiles before, and even put a picture up, but I haven't really put a lot of thought or effort into an introduction or even really expressed interest in anyone. Basically I have only ever dipped my toes in the water and browsed the options. I had my sister help me with a mini-photo shoot this last weekend so I would have some good pictures of myself to post and I am working on a good introduction that will hopefully generate some interest (if anyone would like to read and offer suggestions, let me know!)
• Go on a singles cruise. I have already signed up for this one (Western Caribbean in April). I love to travel, so it shouldn't be that scary. But, it is a singles cruise so there is going to be a lot more socializing than I am used to, and I only know one person in the group I am going with, so I am kind-of nervous about this one.
• Go to a singles ward activity/FHE and attend a singles ward. I love my calling and I love my ward, but I am not meeting any singles. So, I need to make an effort to at least once a month go to another ward or an activity and try to meet new people.
• Ask someone out on a date. I HATE this. I have always been old fashioned and felt like the guy should be the one to ask out. But maybe some of this is just an excuse because it terrifies me. Of course, I am going to have to do achieve the goal of going to activities and meeting people first because I don't even have anyone to ask out right now - but hopefully in a few months this would be a possibility.
• Ask a friend or family member to set me up. I don't really mind blind dates, if someone brings it up and has someone they want to set me up with. But I have never wanted to actually ask a friend to set me up. I guess I don't want to look too desperate. Time to swallow my pride.

Although I just recently decided to do this, I actually did go to a singles ward FHE and Sacrament meeting in January, so I already have one month down. If anything both of those experiences reminded me how socially awkward I can get when I am out of practice and how much I really need to be working on this more! I'm hoping now that I will be more accountable since I have to report back on my blog.

Does anyone else have any suggestions or things they are scared of?

Good, Better, Best

I think one of the hardest things with being a single adult in our society is figuring out what to do with our free time.

For someone who is married and has a family, decisions are pretty much made for you. Free time is pretty much non-existent. Between school programs, recitals, taking kids to lessons, helping with homework, volunteering in the PTA, etc, you could fill every minute that you have with something worthwhile to help and support your family.

For a single, life is not that simple. Believe me, I am not complaining that I have options. I think that is one of the tender mercies of the Lord. The problem for me is that I am TERRIBLE at making decisions. I suffer from analysis paralysis. If I have a night free there are a hundred things I could do, workout, go to the temple, read a book, watch a movie, work on a craft, hang out with friends, go on a hike, etc. Instead of deciding on something to do, I put it off, and then nothing gets done and I feel guilty. I feel like I should be contributing more to society and doing more to better myself, but there is so much to do, that I don't know where to start so I end up watching TV and wasting the evening away.

Lately I have been feeling like I need to do more service. As a single there are so many wonderful opportunities to serve, but how do you pick which one? Do I volunteer as a reader for the blind, a tutor for a refugee family, a big sister, visit a nursing home, volunteer in a hospital, the list goes on and on. All good and worthy causes, but which one is best. I can't decide so I don't do any and then the guilt and the feeling like I am wasting my life away comes.

How do you decide what to do with the few hours you have between work and bed?

New Calling

Well, I guess the title of this post is a little misleading, since it isn't really a new calling now. I have had a calling for more than a month. I just haven't been in the writing mood. So, my newish calling is the Sunday School teacher for the youth 12-16. ACK! I was pretty terrified my first Sunday, I am not going to lie. I HATED Sunday School when I was a youth. Most everyone would sluff, but I was uncool and actually went. So usually it was me and two boys that I thought were pretty repulsive, and we were lucky if our teacher ever showed. Really, not the best memories.

Of course it didn't help that I was told how FABULOUS the teacher was that I was replacing. I was pretty intimidated going into that first week. But so far I have survived and I hope I am getting something through to the youth. They are absolutely fabulous kids, but there is a pretty large age range. If anyone has ANY ideas for how to keep the attention of 12 and 15 year olds - with a few who have english as a second language - PLEASE let me know! :)

This calling has been a huge answer to a prayer for me. My second or third week in the ward I remember sitting in Sacrament Meeting almost in tears wishing that they would assign me some good home teachers or that the Bishopric would take an active interest in my life, anything that would help me to have the influence of really good strong Priesthood holders in my life. My dad hasn't been able to fill that role in my life, and there have been so many other friends and family that have been hurt by men not living up to their covenants recently, that I was really struggling to have faith that there are good men out there. That day after church I met the Bishop and talked with the Stake President and was feeling good and thought that that was the answer that I needed and that need to be enough.

Last night as I was thinking about my class, I realized how the Lord has blessed me even more. The funny thing about my class is that there are a lot more boys than girls - and the boys are a lot more involved and active in the class. I am just in awe of the caliber of the young men in my class. The two oldest are such good leaders, they watch out for and help the younger boys and are always willing to answer questions and participate. In the last two months they have both borne beautiful testimonies during fast and testimony meeting. These are some of the best young men I have ever known. They probably have no idea, but their examples have helped me see that there are still "strippling warriors" today. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father answered my prayer, I was never expecting that he would answer it by giving me the blessing of teaching, and learning from, good strong Priesthood holders.

Happy Valentines Day

It has been a couple of weeks since my last post. So, I guess I had better try to at least post some of the thoughts I have been having recently.

After a slow start, I think I am finally starting to a part of the ward. It has been hard. But there are some wonderful people in the ward who have made me feel welcome. I went to a Relief Society activity last week and had five different people introduce themselves to me. I was so grateful to not have to sit alone and then sneak out during the socializing afterward, which is probably what I would have done.

I still don't have a calling. But, I am not as concerned about that as I normally would be. The Bishopric asked me to come in for a get to know you visit a couple of weeks ago and asked me what they could do to make the transition easier. I told them I wanted a calling so I could get involved. I remember someone on this blog commented once about telling the Bishop they needed a calling, not in Primary, so they could get to know other adults in the ward. I didn't feel comfortable asking for something that specific, and I wouldn't mind serving in the Primary, so I didn't say anything about that, but the Bishop told me that they were prayerfully considering a calling for me, but were trying to find the right fit. They didn't want to just stick me in Primary because I wouldn't be able to meet as many members in the ward. So, although it has taken awhile, I am grateful they are in tune with the spirit and trying to find a calling that will help me.

I was also excited last week to meet another new sister who has just transferred into the ward from another singles ward, as well as an acquaintance from my singles ward who just turned 31. It is so nice to have other singles in the ward who are my age!

One last thought for this Valentines weekend. A dear sweet brother gave the opening prayer in Sunday School today. There are a lot of widows and divorcees in our ward, so Valentines could be a hard day for a large portion of the ward. This dear brother said the following in his prayer: "Please help us all to remember that Valentines is love from our Heavenly Father also." I thought that was the sweetest thing to pray for, and really helped me to have a better attitude about "Single awareness day". So, go out and enjoy Valentines, and remember the love our Heavenly Father has for each of us!

I Want Pancakes, or Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

When I was growing up one of our favorite books was Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. In my family, we now say, it was an Alexander Day, not I had a bad day. Well, last Saturday was one of the worst Alexander days I have had in a long time.

I got a new bed set for Christmas and decided while I was putting everything on, I would flip my mattress. Well, this turned out to be a comedy of errors, which included my new bedskirt melting in the dryer, me knocking a lamp over, onto my computer, breaking a key off the keyboard, and finally, the last straw, knocking the entire bed off the blocks that I have it raised up on. It was at this point that I kind-of fell apart. I kept thinking, I am so SICK of this! If I had a husband he could have helped me and this would have been done in no time, with no problems. But no, I can't even do the basic home care items without being reminded that I am alone. I just want to be married already, why is this SO hard!

It was just one of those Alexander days.

Well, I go to my parents house for Sunday dinner every week. They had Stake Conference last week and related a story that seemed to be specifically for me and my frustrations. Not too long ago the Stake President had a day off of work. He decided to make pancakes for his family. His daughter, who is 5 or 6, came in the kitchen and asked him what he was doing. When he told her he was making pancakes she got very excited and sat down to watch him. He was making the pancakes from scratch, so it was taking him awhile to get all the ingredients mixed up, and of course, the batter didn't really look like pancakes to a five year old. She started to get really anxious, and kept telling him, "Daddy, I really want some pancakes, aren't you going to make me some pancakes?" and "Daddy, can I have a pancakes now", "aren't they ready yet?", etc. Finally the Stake President, a little exasperated, took her face in his hands and looked her straight in the eyes and said, "I am making you pancakes, I know it doesn't look like it right now, but I need you to trust me, and you will have your pancakes." The Stake President then related this story to our lives, and how often we tell our Heavenly Father that we want pancakes, and he keeps telling us, "I need you to trust me, it will come".

I know I need to trust in my Heavenly Father more. This isn't the first time the spirit has told me that I need to TRUST. But sometimes it is so hard! It is easy to say, trust Him, but no one ever says, here is how you gain more trust. So, my question is, how do you increase your trust in the Lord and his promises, and how do you show your trust in Him?

Denial?

My second week in the ward wasn't quite as good as the first. I found out a girl I knew in High School is in the ward, married, with three kids. I was excited to talk to her and have a friend in the ward. Well, we only talked long enough for her to tell me that there are a lot of fun older singles in the ward, so I should have a lot of fun in the ward. Really? Then, later in the week, I had a phone call from a counselor in the Bishopric, who also told me there are a lot of great single women in the ward, so you should fit right in.

I have two problems with those statements. First, does that mean that I can only make friends with other people that are single? Second, so far the only singles I have met are older singles, in their 40's or 50's or widows in the 70's. Aren't I too young to be looking for social activities with the 40 and 50 year olds? Maybe I am just in denial. In a young single adult you have people ranging from 18 to 31 - a 13 year time span. Going in the other direction, that means up to 44 - so is it that strange that people would group me in with the 40 year olds? Maybe it is just time for a shift in my perception of "old".

This last weekend, my siblings and I decided to leave the cold, yucky air in Salt Lake and visit my sister in California. I have to say, I wasn't that sad to miss church. Hopefully I can have a better attitude going back this week.

The Tender Mercies of the Lord

I survived my first Sunday in the family ward. I did meet the Relief Society President (who I think is also single - a tender mercy). But I didn't introduce myself to the Bishop. Hopefully I can do that this Sunday. There were a few moments of panic - feeling like I somehow failed and have now lost my chance to ever find someone because I am no longer in a singles ward - but - there were also numerous tender mercies. Today I need to focus on the blessings.

First, my roommate, who is usually not in town on the weekends flew in Sunday morning and met me in Sacrament meeting. Hooray for not sitting alone on my first Sunday.

Second, my bishopric in the singles ward was released about 6 months ago. One of the counselors is in my family ward. So I have someone who already knows me, and is watching out for me in the ward.

And last but not least, a cute young mother (in my eyes she looked to be about 15 - I felt really old) sat down in front of me in Relief Society with her adorable 2 month old baby. Of course I started feeling those baby hungry pangs and feeling sorry for myself because I don't have that blessing yet. And then, the baby spit up all over everything! The mom had a burp cloth but it didn't contain everything - and the mom couldn't see half of what got all over the back of her shirt - and the back of her skirt. The rest of our meetings she was walking around with huge blotches of baby spit up all over her - and I thought - you know - being single does have its advantages. :)

Watch Out!

About a month ago I hit that special age - graduation age - that magic number that means you are now too old to go to church with the "Young" Single Adults. You can move on to a "Mid" Single Adult ward. Or accept your "failure" gracefully and move on to a family ward.

The mid-singles ward is for singles 31 to 45. However, hitting that magic age, doesn't always mean they kick you out of the ward immediately. I have been to two different mid-singles wards in the area. In each one, there were more people that looked like they were pushing the 45 limit (possibly even into 50) than those that looked like they were in their early 30's. The mid-singles wards also have a much smaller potential dating/interest pool. My friend and I attended one sacrament meeting together. We both had noticed one guy in particular that we thought was attractive. Out of the entire ward, this was the only guy that we saw. Of course, we felt a little bit foolish when he got up to conduct the meeting - yes, he was a member of the Bishopric - a married member of the Bishopric.

Then there is the family ward. As a single in a family ward you get to go to church by yourself, watch all of the cute families, hear lessons on how to raise said cute families, and feel like the person who got sent back to the factory with a defective stamp on your forehead. I have heard so many horror stories about singles who go to family wards and are treated like they have leprosy. About three months ago one of the counselors in my Bishopric summed up the family ward in this way (no lie - this is word for word what he said) "What do you have to do in a family ward, wait around for someone's spouse to die?" I was surprised when my friend related what she heard from the other counselor in my Bishopric - "how are you going to meet someone in a family ward, break up someone's marriage?"

Based on the opinions of these two good men, I am assured that they are not going to kick me out of the ward anytime soon, which I am grateful for in a way. But I also feel like it is time to move on. I have been in this ward for almost 4 years and I am tired of feeling like the grandma in the ward.

Please, read the sarcasm in what I have said above, I know that I am not a "failure" and I know that there are fabulous people in any ward, including the mid-singles wards. I am not trying to whine and complain as much as I am trying to find some humor in my current situation. Which brings me to my decision. It is time for a break from the meat market. I am going to go to the family ward. I figure with the New Year it is a good time to start with a new ward. That being said, I know that there are two different ways for me to approach this new chapter in my life. I can either sit in a corner and feel sorry for myself or I can come in with guns blazing and make people notice me and put me to work. My natural response would be the first. I am terribly shy and have a hard time meeting new people. But, I know I will be happier if I can let go of some of my fears and dive in. Has anyone out there made the transition? Good or bad - tell me your experiences. Any advice on how to make this a good experience?

My resolution is to report on this blog my efforts to get involved with the ward, make new friends, and not hide in corner. Hopefully my experience will be a positive one, and hopefully it just might help someone else out there going through a similar transition. Watch out family ward - here I come!

Statistically Speaking

And I'm back. Since the last time I posted, I have been trying to deal with some not fun family issues, time consuming church callings, and the usual depression that comes with being an "older" single in our society. So, posting has kind-of been the last thing on my mind. But, I am trying to get back on track in my life, socially, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. And writing seems to be the most effective way for me to deal - emotionally. So, I am going to try to post more often and get some of my feelings written down.

So, the title of my post today. My first or second year of college I took a homemaking class (yes, I was at a church school, why do you ask?) I remember one day the teacher passed around a bowl of candy, and had everyone pick one. She had put in a specific number of each different kind of candy based on how many people were in the class, and then went around telling us what each kind-of candy meant - statistically speaking. So some people got the candy that represented happy marriages while others chose divorce, widowed, and never married. I had picked that candy that matched with the happy marriage and plenty of money category - and of course was thrilled - I was sure this meant that life was going to be grand for me! :) I didn't really pay attention to the never married candy - I never thought that would be me. But, the older I get, the more that lesson worries me because I know that there has to that one person who got the never married piece of candy. Statistically speaking, that is looking more and more like it is going to be me. Of the 14 girls in my high school choir group, I am the only one still single, of the 8 friends that have stuck with me since junior high, I am the only single, of my first set of roommates (6 of us), I am the only single. Of my 8 different companions on my mission, I am the only single. Are you sensing a pattern here? As happy as I am for my friends when they find a wonderful man and get married, there is a little part of me that wishes they would stop ruining my odds. Am I the only one who feels this way?

Intimidation

Wow! It has been a long time since I posted! I have had some pretty major family issues to deal with and at the same time got a major time consuming calling in my ward. I am finally starting to feel like I am not drowning and figured it was well past time for a new post.

Over the last few weeks I have had a couple of guys make some kind-of remark about how I would never go for someone like them - when in all actuality, I have been wishing they would just ask me out already! I've never thought of myself as an intimidating person, in fact, I think my lack of self-confidence is one thing that has been hurting me in the dating world. But, on a surface level, I can see how people might think that. I have a career with a good paying job, I have a Master's degree, I own my home, and I have a very visible calling in my ward. On the surface that could seem intimidating, but some of these guys also have careers, law degrees, homes, etc.

I think, the intimidation factor is compounded by my inability to let people see the real me. I hate making mistakes in front of people, I avoid things I know I am not good at because I don't want people to see my weaknesses. I keep a tight reign on my emotions - no one sees me angry, excited, and especially sad.

The problem is, that I'm not sure how to change it is so much a part of who I am now. I want to be more open and honest and real around people, but I don't really know where to start, any suggestions?

Jeopardy

Cue the Jeopardy music.

Answer: Can I play you a song on my saw?

Question: What not to say to a girl who has just met you and is stuck in a car with you.

In my on-going efforts to find Mr. Right, I am bound to meet some Mr. Wrongs, I get that - but I never thought I would be slightly afraid for my life at an institute activity! Unfortunately such was the case last night. The institute had an activity this weekend where they created groups to meet somewhere for dinner. You get to meet new people in a smaller group setting - what could be wrong with that?

Apparently, lots.

What I didn't realize was that it was Prom, a Jazz Game, Young Women's conference, and the Ballet - all on the same night downtown, so I ended up parking about two blocks away from the restaurant. (Lesson learned #1 - take advantage of valet parking)

After dinner one of the guys from our group volunteered to walk me to my car, which I thought was incredibly thoughtful and nice, and I gratefully accepted. Then we decided since he was parked nearby he would just drive me over to my car. (Lesson learned #2 - don't get in the car with someone you just met - even if it was at an institute activity)

During our dinner conversation this guy had mentioned that he played the saw - but I thought he was joking. Imagine my surprise when he brought up the subject again as we were driving to my car! Only this time - it was to introduce me to his saw - which he had wrapped up in some kind-of case and was sitting between us on the front seat! Yes, he has named his saw. I was slightly freaked out and incredibly relieved to see the Ballet just getting out and lots of people and cops on the streets nearby. Especially when he made the following statement,

"She makes really pretty music when I stroke her"

WHAT!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Apparently not, because he proceeded to ask me if he could play something for me on it. (Lesson learned #3 - never accept a ride from someone who considers a sharp object a musical instrument)

I have never been so grateful to see my car, I jumped out of his car and jumped into mine and locked the doors - unfortunately said "sawyer" (apparently that is a real term) has my phone number because I was in charge of the group. Don't get me wrong - I am sure a playing the saw is a perfectly legitimate talent, but for me, I am not answering any calls from unknown numbers from now on!

When We're Helping We're Happy

I had an interesting conversation with my boss the other day. We were heading back to the office after a property inspection and got stuck in traffic. After discussing the economy and the problems of the world in general, I remarked that it is sometimes incredibly scary to me to think of trying to raise children in this world. His response to that was very surprising, and has really changed the way I look at my time as a single person. The general idea of his response was that there is SO much to do in this world, so many children who have no one to care for them, teenagers who need positive role models, and so many other people who need a helping hand. And he is so wrapped up in his family and making sure his own children become productive and good members of society that at times he wished he were still single so that he could do more good for more people.

It seems to me like the number of singles is increasing. I think it is easy to get caught up in worrying about our marital status - and focus all our energies on finding our eternal companion. But maybe there is a purpose for our extended time as singles. I had never before thought that my time as a single could be a blessing to my community and to people around me. I participate in the service projects my ward arranges and help within my own family when I can, but I always thought real community service was for when I had a family and was a room mother or worked in the PTA etc. But think of the huge force for good the single members of the Church could be if they would focus more of their energies on building their communities and less on trying to control the uncontrollable. How much more meaning and joy would I have in my life if I spent more time guiding and nurturing and caring for the people around me and less time worrying about another Friday night home alone.

"C" is for Cookie

I had an epiphany of sorts a few weeks ago. My mom invited me to go to an enrichment activity at her ward where they had asked everyone to bring some cookies for refreshments. My mom is a school teacher and didn't have the time or the energy to make cookies for the event, but she did have a tub of cookie dough she bought for a school fundraiser - so my sister threw some of that in the oven so we had something to take with us. After the speaker, we all went into the cultural hall for cookies. It was quite the sight - two big tables full of different kinds of cookies. Heart cookies, bar cookies, chocolate chip cookies, cookies with frosting and sprinkles, cookies with gummi hearts (this was just before Valentines), even some brownies and little mini-cakes. SO many choices - I could have easily gained 50 pounds that night. And there sat my mom's cookies - gingersnaps - no frosting, no sprinkles, no decorations, no fillings, just some plain brown cookies. And no one was taking them. After half an hour of weight gain and socializing, that plate of cookies remained untouched. I didn't even take one of them to begin with because there were so many other good options. When it was time to leave, I retrieved the plate and tried one of the cookies. They were actually really good. Better than some of the fancy cookies I had tried.

As we were leaving it occurred to me how similar it was to a singles ward and by extension the singles scene in general. In the past I have noticed there are certain girls who always seem to be dating someone - or numerous someones, and I will admit I have fallen into the trap of wondering why can't I get dates like they can - why do I go a year, and sometimes two between dates? There must be something wrong with me. But, at that enrichment night, the most important thing I learned was that I am like the plate of plain brown cookies - I am really good - there is nothing wrong with me, and I have a lot to offer. Sometimes it is just hard to see that amidst all the sprinkles and frosting and chocolate chips. None of the cookies are good or bad, right or wrong, better or worse, just different. And someday, someone who LOVES gingersnaps is going to come along. I can't wait.

The "It" Guy

The "It" Guy. That one guy that seems to be universally attractive to all the girls in the ward. Every ward has at least one, right? And every girl in the ward has fallen under his spell at some point or another - even girls who are visiting the ward are instantly attracted. What is it with these guys - why are they so stinkin' attractive, what is their secret? In the last few wards I have been in these guys seem to be older and more mature/have a career - is it their looks only, or is it the sense that this guy would be a good provider/husband/father? So if they are really that great - why hasn't someone snatched them up yet? I know the older I get the more I hate people wondering why I'm not married and if there is something wrong with me, but I seem to have a double standard in that area. If a guy is older and not married he must be waiting for Miss Perfect - which I am not - so I have no chance.

I have created the following chart showing what I see as the "it" guy's top 10 (what my roommate and I lovingly call "Molly Pockets" - the perfect blend, a "Molly Mormon" who is tiny enough to fit in your pocket) versus me.

Molly Pocket	Me
1. Skinny (to the point of being twig like)	1. Average - I would like to loose a few pounds, but I am not overweight or obese - although I am tall so even if I were twig like I would still look amazonian to some guys
2. Drop dead gorgeous	2. Average - I like some characteristics - but I am not going to stop anyone in the street
3. Fashionable	3. Average - I dress for comfort and have no fashion sense - not bad enough to be on "What Not to Wear" but also not wearing the latest fashion trend
4. Cutesy decorator - some kind-of innate ability to make "Live Laugh Learn" and "Families are Forever" wooden decorations look good in a home to give it that Molly Mormon Mommy feel	4. Average decorating abilities - I enjoy cute stuff, but I am also on a budget - I am not going to buy silly decorations that I have no use for
5. Spiritual Giant	5. I think I am okay in this category - although I am in no way a giant
6. Popular - can she socialize and hold her own at my company parties?	6. I am working on getting over my shyness and being more outgoing, but it is a work in progress
7. Dependent - needs me	7. I would love to have someone to need, but since I don't, I have a graduate degree and a home. I don't look very needy at the moment
8. Sporty - will enjoy my hobbies with me	8. I hit myself in the head when I play volleyball, and I ran over the ski instructor when I was taking ski lessons, need I say more
9. Desireable to others (ie - has experience in the dating world)	9. Okay, honestly this is probably the area I most fall short on - I have never dated anyone. Yes, I am pushing 30 and never been kissed. Where is Michael Vartan when you need him?
10. Nice to everyone - the kind-of girl everyone would love to hate but can't	10. I try - but pretty people intimidate me so I probably appear to be a snob because I don’t talk to most people

Don't get me wrong - this is not a bash on me post, or bash on the cute guys post, there are plenty of girls in my ward that fit that description - and I am not saying I am hideous. But I know that I am pleasantly average - not Molly Pocket perfect. But that doesn't stop me from developing a very unhealthy crush on the "it" guy, when I have no hope of it going anywhere. So, my question is, why am I attracted to these guys, and how can I find a nice non-it guy who is looking for a nice average girl like me that will help me get over the current "it" guy who barely knows my name?

Baby Mama

So, I watched Baby Mama last night. It was a cute movie, there were some laughs, and any movie with Greg Kinnear (who I think is absolutely adorable) gets bonus points in my book. But, I really didn't like the overall message the movie was trying to get across. For those of you who haven't seen the movie, it is about a 37 year old single career woman who suddenly gets hit with the biological time bomb and decides she needs/wants to have a baby. She is told she has a 1 in a million chance of getting pregnant, so she decides to hire a surrogate. Predictable hijinks and hilarity ensue.

My problem with the movie was the message it seemed to be sending about families and motherhood. That if you want a baby you should just scientifically create one, who needs a husband or a father. Any way you decide to have a family is right and good. I totally and completely 100% disagree.

Being a single woman in Utah, approaching 30 (that would be close to 40 in outside of Utah years) with most of my friends on their 3rd or 4th child, I have to say that I understand what the main character was going through. I have had to come to terms with the fact that maybe marriage and children isn't in the cards for me. Does that mean that I am doomed to live a less fulfilling life? That I am never going to find the happiness and fulfillment I could have as a mother? I used to think that - but I have learned that the Lord makes up the difference. I can be just as happy and fulfilled as a single childless woman, as I can married with children. It's a different kind-of happiness granted, but that in no way makes it less worthwhile. There are no second class citizens in the church and my worth is not based on how many children I have.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints published a document entitled, "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" which states,

"The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity."

Obviously there are circumstances where, due to death or divorce, children do not have the opportunity to be raised by a mother and a father, but if at all possible, it is best for children to have a mother and a father. Yet this movie seems to be preaching that fathers aren't necessary, and if a woman wants to feel fulfilled and experience the joy of motherhood, she should just go ahead and do it. Which appears to me to be an incredibly selfish way of thinking.

I know this is a sensitive subject, and I in no way want to pass judgment on anyone who might have made a different decision, but I strongly believe in the importance of family relationships and think that if at all possible, children should be in homes with a mother and a father.

Gratitude

In reading over some of my previous posts, I feel like there has been a really negative tone. This is not my intent. Although there are struggles and trials inherent in being a single LDS woman, there are also many blessings. I am a firm believer that you can be happy no matter what your social status, married, single, divorced. The Lord has given me so many blessings and opportunities that I would not have had otherwise and that have shaped me into being the person I am today, and I am grateful for that. So, in order to have a more positive post, I decided to post some of the blessings of being single.

1. Opportunity to serve a mission
2. Pursue a higher education, to date I have completed a Master's degree
3. Gain experience in my chosen career, which will open opportunities for working from home when the time comes
4. Self-confidence in myself and my abilities
5. Self-reliance
6. Empathy
7. Time spent with extended family members
8. Ability to save for and take trips to far off locations
9. Ability to create my own schedule and sleep in if I want
10. Learn how to be more social, meet new people
11. Time for institute classes, Temple worship, personal study
12. Sole control of the TV remote
13. Opportunities to pursue hobbies and interests
14. Ownership of my own home in which I can create my own personal safe haven
15. Disposable income
16. Spontaneous activities and trips
17. Sabbath nap time
18. Sunday dinners at the parents
19. Watch movies I want (no fights about chick flicks vs. action movies)
20. I think one of the most important things I have learned from being single is to do things for me. I used to think, oh I will experience that or purchase this or learn this skill when I am married, or when I have a family. I don't need to worry about that until I reach that point. But I am learning that I am just as important as my future husband and children, and I can and need to take care of myself and allow myself to be happy now, regardless of my married state. If I want to have a clean house, it is up to me. If I want to make/eat homemade bread weekly, I can. If I want to learn how to sew or decorate cakes or can and preserve food, I can do all of that now, simply because I want to, I don't have to have an excuse, I don't have to have a family to use these skills on, I can do it for myself because I am worth it. Which brings me to...
21. My worth is NOT dependent on my marital status, my Heavenly Father loves me, personally and individually and He has a perfect plan for me, whether or not that plan fits into my preconceived notions what I do with that plan will determine my success.
    

Being Single in a Relationship Centered World

There are times I have seriously considered moving away from Utah, if only to escape the pressure and questioning about my relationship status. But, I am learning to deal with it. And then, last week I realized that moving to a different state probably wouldn't help as much as I think it would. Apparently, even though marriage and family begins at a later age for some people, the whole world assumes that at some point in your life you are going to get married. I discovered this while setting up an online account . I had to pick three different security questions, some of my options were, first boyfriend, name of my maid of honor, name of the best man, and where did I meet my spouse. Is it cheating to put NA for each of those?

Choosing Faith over Fear

I have been thinking a lot about the fears that I have in my life that seem to be holding me back. Most of them are not fears of things or people, more fears about myself, and how others view me. I am always worried that if I start a conversation with someone, they are going to feel obligated to talk to me, and are searching for an excuse to leave the conversation. I worry that the men I find attractive find me completely unattractive. I worry that I am really incredibly boring and that I don't really have a personality. I worry that I spent so much time reading and daydreaming when I was younger, I wasn't really living. I worry that once someone sees the real me, they will get bored, or not like me, and move on. I worry that no matter what I do, or how hard I try, my life will be spent alone. I worry that people who befriend me are only doing so to be nice, and don't really want to spend time with me - and thus, I am always looking for people to disappoint me. I am embarrassed for perfect strangers who talk too long - or share too many personal details in church - because I'm sure people are thinking poorly of them. I was/am sometimes embarrassed to be seen with my family, because they aren't always the picture of perfection.

Am I happy about this character trait? No. Do I wish I could change it? Yes. Hence, my New Years Resolution to choose Faith over my Fears. I haven't quite figured out all the ways that I can do this yet, so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. But it is going to start with my Faith List - the things I am choosing to have faith in - and remind myself to have faith in when I have a bad day. I am sure as the year progresses and I work on this goal, I will be able to add things to my list, and hopefully I will be able to look back at the end of the year and see that I have conquered some of my worst fears.

My Faith List

• Heavenly Father has a perfect plan for me.
• Heavenly Father wants me to be happy.
• People are not so self-sacrificing that they will spend time talking to me if they don't want to.
• The kind-of person I am looking for, is looking for someone like me and will be attracted to me.
• I am interesting and worth knowing.
• I can let people get to know me.
• People want to get to know me.
• My family is amazing, and despite our imperfections, is a family worth knowing.
• I don't have to apologize for anyone, including myself.
• People are not trying to hurt or embarrass me.
• Most people are not going to disappoint me.
• I can do anything I want to do.
• What I have done in the past does not determine what I can do in the future.